Camilla's birth - Amanda's healing
I became a mother in 2019. In 2022, I had my second child, and now, in 2025, I’m pregnant with my third! Backtrack to when I was preparing to give birth to my second baby, the fears came rushing back. I spoke with my midwife, and tears streamed down my face, I was afraid.
I realized there was some trauma related to my first birth. I had previously rejected the use of the word trauma for my experience. I didn’t feel I had the right to use it. I made the mistake of comparing my experience to others, thinking mine wasn’t that bad. After all, it had gone well overall, and I had a healthy baby. I now realize that trauma is deeply individual and complex, and my feelings were completely valid.
To summarize my first experience: I had been at 10 cm for a couple of hours at the birthing centre. I felt sad that my contractions had slowed down, and they recommended transferring me to the hospital as a preventative measure. I trusted my midwives and agreed. I pushed for six hours. I realize now that I simply didn’t wait for my body to be ready to push. I was insecure and started pushing as soon as I reached 10 cm, too soon, and my body became exhausted.
I began looking for ways to mentally prepare for the coming birth. I initially tried to avoid thinking about it, but I knew that wasn’t the healthiest approach. I tried hypnobirthing, but it didn’t feel like the right fit. I asked my cousin for her birth playlist, I found a track I liked and began listening to it as I fell asleep. I also learned more about water births, which I hadn’t considered with my first. I liked that it could help with pain, reduce perineal trauma, and offer a gentler transition for the baby, all of which reassured me greatly. I struggled with the idea of being away from my first child during the birth of my second.
My mother kindly agreed to come to the birthing centre to care for her while I gave birth. I wasn’t sure I wanted my daughter to witness the birth, but I did want her present during the labour. We prepared her gently. We taught her about the process and explained the sounds a mother makes during labour. We told her it takes a lot of energy, and that mama might be sleepy because her body was working hard to bring her sibling into the world.
When the time came, we stayed in contact with the midwife. I had contractions all day. We decided to stay home for the night and try to rest. My contractions continued, it was a long night. By morning, I had been contracting for 24 hours, and they were much stronger. I didn’t speak much. I simply asked my husband to get ready quickly, we needed to get to the birthing centre.
When we arrived, I was so glad I’d chosen to keep my daughter with me. She was the kindness I needed in those moments. She kept me calm, brought me water, covered me with a blanket, gave me a teddy bear. Later, she added hot water to my bath and rubbed my back. She even pressed on pressure points on my hand to help me.
When my mother arrived, I nursed my daughter one last time, to encourage the contractions and to enjoy one final cuddle while she was still my only child. She then went with my mother to play in another room. My dilation was progressing well, I was already at 9 cm.
As I approached the final stage, I returned to the bath. This time, I was determined to wait until my body was truly ready to push. I trusted that I would feel the urge, just as others had told me. Sure enough, I felt it! I remember telling my midwife, “I think I feel like pushing,” and with the next contraction, I felt that famous urge.
Twenty-four minutes later, she was out.
Right after my final contraction, I caught her as she emerged into the water. It was amazing to bring her into the world this way. A while later, my husband held her while the midwives helped me out of the bath. I then breastfed in bed. My daughter and mother came back into the room to meet the new baby.
Looking back at the photos from the birth has helped me process the trauma, it’s very therapeutic. Every year, I pull them out on my children’s birthdays as a small tradition to reflect, feel grateful, and feel proud. I feel less afraid as I await my third baby. I truly believe that those photographs helped build my confidence.
-Amanda
